If you tend to be offended easily or happen to be under the age of 18, leave now. If you are offended by my words or the content of my page then I suggest that you simply do not read it and find someone else's world to peek into. Have a nice day!!
"No brake should be applied to passion ; when the appetites speak, they must be heard."
I am a 45 year old female, of average appearance I believe. I have a pretty open mind about most things and try to do my best to constantly further my knowledge about everything I can, including myself.
I have raised my son finally as he is now 19 in college but still lives at home to save money. Now I am finally beginning my life once again. I do date rarely but my romantic life does not cross with my son's life if I can help it.
I prefer the kink side when it comes to my romantic life, I do not enjoy vanilla life as it were. I was married for 11 years, it did not end nicely but needed to end. Now I have learned to adore life in the simplest ways. I love the tactile sensations involved in kink, the discussion of options and knowing I have pleased the One I wish to be with.
I have had a few men in my life but only 2 really ring true in my heart. One was my first true love but lost track of later in life. The other I no longer speak with by his pets choice yet still find Him to be the most erotic and delicious Man I have ever met. Physically we were not together long, but in that time I learned more about myself that I ever had in life and I owe that all to Him. I learned that beauty is not in our eyes as women when we look upon ourselves in a mirror, it is reflected in the eyes of those who look upon us and express their pleasure. He probably does not even know I hold Him in such high regard but that is okay as He has His own life now. I can honestly thank Him for realizing what true love really is.
I hope to find more to do in my life and enjoy many normal things like riding on the back of a Harley wrapped around the strong back of a man clad in leather, going on a nice weekend Poker Run, the wind rushing thru my hair, playing a good game of pool or darts with a few good friends, and hitting the river boating in the heat with a few beers and buddies. I guess I am more of a tomboy, but do like to dress up once in awhile if given the chance. I have been called a strong woman before, but if truth be told I prefer to sit at the feet of a Dominant Man, to me there is no better place in the world. To feel his fingers in my hair as I lay my head on his thigh, it makes my world perfect.
All in all, I try to better myself at any chance, and further my knowledge on myself and life. I am more spiritual than religious and try to help others when I can. I figure if I can do well in this life and leave a good memory in others hearts I have done okay.
The true woman hidden deep inside of me that i allow so few see
"... remember Machiavelli, according to whom it were better to be impetuous than circumspect, because Nature is a woman to be mastered only by Him who goes to her whip in hand."
~ Marquis De Sade~
This is the woman that protects the submissive one within against society's judgement
"Lust's passion will be served ; it demands, it militates, it tyrranizes, it must therefore be appeased, and to its satisfaction all other conditions are totally irrelevant."
~Marquis De Sade~
"Certain souls seem hard because they are capable of strong feelings, and they sometimes go to rather extreme lengths; their apparent unconcern and cruelty are but ways, known only to themselves, of feeling more strongly than others."
"I have supported my deviations with reasons; I did not stop at mere doubt; I have vanquished, I have uprooted, I have destroyed everything in my heart that might have interfered with my pleasure."
Oh how the mighty have fallen. It seems that so many things in my life seem to just get started then fall back into the pit of no repair. Chaos rules with an iron fist of sorts. Those I have loved have willingly have fallen by the wayside, I try to keep them in my world but at what cost? For some, they have let me go because of jealousy of those currently in their life. Persons with whom I had connected so deeply and treasured as a friend I find cast me off as easily as a pair of old socks. It sucks actually. I had friendship, faith in that person, and a feeling of being able to depend on them for their simplicity of words and want nothing else from them. Then to find out they are given harsh choices as if I would ever jeopardize their happiness for my own. I am selfless in that respect, or at least I try to be. I am the sort that will fade into the woodwork instead of forcing any ones hand in such a cruel and foul manner. Maybe it's my own curse of sorts to see what another desires so deeply and understand it isn't me. That's okay. If it makes them happy, who am I to ask them to stay in a situation that makes them sacrifice their own happiness for mine. Others spend years in a false place in my world, by virtue of my trust in them. Then to find out years later after trusting them with my deepest darkest secrets that they held on to that friendship with only a carnal desire of hope in what they secretly chased. It mattered not what I wanted or wished for, they simply figured if they held on long enough I would eventually want them the way they wanted me. No one can create feelings, especially carnal ones for a person if they are not there. At times, I wish I could be cruel like so many find to be so easy. The only thing I hope for now is a happy medium of sorts. After all these years of pretending I was "normal" and refusing who I truly was...I learned to embrace who I am deep down. Now I refuse to settle and that in itself may be my own undoing. To find one compatible has not been an easy task. Too many state they are like minded simply to "try" and make an effort to pretend to be like me. You either are...or you are not. Harsh reality or not...it is what it is...as I am what I am. Funny how I can now plainly state what I wish for and want and know completely...this is me. Apparently this is not the same for everyone as they try to hold onto something they cannot fathom yet deeply desire to try...as if they were tasting different foods. I am not food. I am not a carnival ride to "try out" and see if you can ride it for the full six seconds and hold on. I am also not here for those that wish to collect tic marks. I do not see myself as special, only unique. There are many like me. I can no longer compromise for the lack a compatible companion. I cannot...it hurts too much.
Well, my hidden little friend oh how I have missed you! My whole world has crashed and burned and restarted quite a few times which is why I havent been here in so very long. Hopefully now that the dust has settled, I can begin anew with a different direction and try again. Life suxs no matter how you play it so find the little simple things that make you happy!!
Hello to any readers out there...seems I need to clarify something. I am NOT Little Wicked on FB. Seems even though I have had that nickname from friends here since i was about 16, it is a popular nickname.That is someone in the UK who does some amazing designs I would buy but I live in Nebraska in the US. Also, if the pic didn't give it away I am a girl. I love getting feedback but have gotten quite a few private messages that start out with "what a guy..." or "hey Dude...". I am a short chesty blonde FEMALE. I do wish however to thank those who actually read this and offer feedback. That is greatly appreciated and helps me not to mention makes me smile to think someone likes what I have done. I actually do take pride in my writings. I do hope to post many more and have learned the hard way to back up and burn off my writings now after I lost years of work thanks to my son discovering porno. Majority of porno pics u steal have viruses on the backside so be careful!!!
I would appreciate if certain persons would stop trying to advertise on my page. I appreciate a reader and you are more than welcome to peruse my writings or information, however when you try to divert people onto your own personal crap you seem to not only annoy me its simply disrespectful. If you wish to read this wonderful, if NOT and people continue to post their drivel about their clothing websites then I will be forced to take action and remove the option to post feedback. Please understand one thing, This is my blog not yours, not a billboard for your crap about handbags or other garbage. I have worked for years on this, I do not disrespect you please do not disrespect me. U don't see me hitting your website and giving you grief or desperately trying to divert customers so why r u doing it to my page? Please cease or I will have to ban certain persons and remove any feedback options...thank you
just another day in the broken house of cards.....
Well.....hello old friend. How I have missed you. You listen without complaint as I blather on about shit no one ever really cares to listen to hear, about how I fucked up again..as usual. The previous guy whom I thought had played me the idiot..well lets be totally honest here...I am an idiot. Anyway, he had called me back after I had written him off like all the others who take their pound of flesh, convince me they truly care then disappear into the night just as quickly as they came leaving a hole just a touch bigger in what is left of me. He asked for another chance and explained himself and I chose to believe again... this guy is really nice. I wish someone else could hear the things he says....he talks like a dream. Like a vision in a pool of water, sometimes I am afraid to touch him....afraid if I do...the water will ripple and he will disappear. At times, I want to remind him "thank you for your kind words, however I am sorry I am not that girl.... I am the carnival ride, I am the one people take their pound of flesh from, the one they walk on without mercy, the one they destroy. You do not want this trust me". He calls me beautiful, I have never been called nor feel beautiful ever or for a very long time. I want to tell him he dosent have to say that to get what he wants, I like him and would give it freely simply for the way he touches me. Parts of me have come alive, as if he read me like a book and saw my needs laying there raw for every eye to see. He does not understand that in that simple touch...it is enough to pretend for me. While the time together is going on, I can pretend in my head I am actually the one they wish to be with...not the one they had to settle for. I can pretend their sweet words are true, the compliments on myself real, I can pretend all those promises made are truly going to happen...when deep down inside I already know that when they have tired of me I am cast aside and forgotten like a candy wrapper. It is just the way my world has been since I can remember. I enjoy the sex, but they never want anything else let alone to keep me. I am disposable as always, he is just so amazing and beautiful to me in mind, body and soul. The way he can make me feel from a simple touch or his silver words almost gives me hope to want to truly believe that someone like him would want to keep me, keep me safe and love me and I would have that certain thing I see in old couples walking down the street together hand in hand. Or maybe I could know what it's like to have someone care for me and take care of me, maybe even love me for real if that word is even real. But then I think, come on girl...this is reality. Enjoy this while it lasts but do not forget your place, invisible, underfoot and no right to ever hope for things the better ones have. I always remember what my mother told me, she said "your sister is champagne on a tropical island and diamonds... you are only a 6pk in a back seat of an old car on a dirt road. You'll be lucky if they remember your name when they leave you stranded." I learned a long time ago never to hope for things, at least that way when the promises and words are spoken it does not hurt as much that they were not true. This one scares me, He has honor, respect and tells me I deserve so much more. When I am with him I feel as if the world is on fire for me, the sky is golden and I am safe with him...I have never been safe from the predators who take everything only leaving a carcass stripped bare. he asks me things like what do I want....I am terrified to answer because I feel like no matter what I say I am going to ruin this like always. I am doing my best to simply enjoy what he has offered, and enjoy the sound of the words and remember not to hope...if i do not hope I am never hurt as bad.
Yet this man, I have never met anyone like him. he is Chivalrous, Gorgeous, soft hearted and caring yet also strong and ruthless if needed and seems to be loyal more than any man I have ever known. What he does to my body rivals none other.... he simply amazes me and is everything I have ever wished for. He is the exact person I had dreamed about for years, all attributes are there in spades, as if the Gods themselves made him only for me. He is family oriented as family is the most important. He rides and even took me with him in front of his friends like he was proud to be with me. He has goals and respect, and a heart and has no qualms about sharing it or showing me he is human. He picked me up like a rag doll, actually cradled me in his arms...made me feel like a girl, I have never felt like that and never dared to hope. He tells me I am a good person and a good woman and he cannot understand how I am alone. I am going to fuck this up, either by a wrong word, or a stupid action or I have even done it simply for the fact I stayed breathing. In the beginning he said all these things, and asked me my true opinion...and I told him thought they were beautiful sentiments and words...to me they were just words. No one keeps their word to me, no one cares about that. No one ever cares...about me like this. No one has ever, EVER made me feel as if they were proud to have me with them and made me feel I was the only woman they wanted or needed. I am never enough, never. God help me, I could care for this man in a huge way, but I have no place to even think that. I sort of already fucked that up by simply saying another dumbass thing that rolled out of my mouth. The minute it left my lips, I wanted to cut my tongue out. I had no rite to speak this. We were talking about something, both exhausted and he had an obligation to get to. I said the wrong thing and upset him, I think what I said hurt him more which was not my goal. I would cut my own wrists before I would ever intentionally hurt this one. He has shown me he is truly human and I want to hold him in my arms forever to keep him safe and love him not to mention kill those who have hurt his being before, I said I loved him out loud. He was extremely agitated, exhausted and has an old school chopper and had to leave...and I was instantly terrified in that condition should he ride out....something bad would happen with being so tired and emotional I would lose him right there. I panicked and pleaded with him to please stay just a short while longer to at least calm a bit to ride knowing if anything happened it would be my fault and that would simply kill me. Now I am a bit lost... guys like this don't look at things like me. I never get the good ones, and they definitely never want to keep me. I am not trying to be depressing this is just the way my world has gone all 45 yrs I have been alive. I keep pinching myself, this cant be true. I do not deserve anyone like this, never have and never will and am blown away every time he says something nice...I guess now all I can do is wait...and pray I can keep my mouth shut and not ruin it sooner....
Well, apparently I am still blind to the ones who enjoy making the wrong part of me hurt. Thought I found a friend, silly me. Thought I found a man of honor, with a conscience and a heart but so far its just been quite a bit of confusion and pain of the heart. I feel like there was some sort of joke I missed, like when my back was turned I was laughed at. Once again someone gets to rack up tic marks for playing with the freak....and the "freak " per se is a forgotten joke somehow. I get so tired of this that eating a bullet makes more and more sense sometimes. I know it doesn't sound rational to most, but truthfully its the fastest way short of digging out my heart I can think of to stop falling for those who think I'm a joke or a sort of sideshow game. I truly liked this one, he talked a good game for a whole week....then nothing. He got most all of what he wanted already, so I guess why continue right? Fuck I don't know. It's not like he would give a fuck and tell me anyway. I am so tired.....so very fucking tired of all the bullshit and games. For once I would adore honesty without games, most of all I would sell my soul to be able to trust in someones promises and have them be real. To have someone say they are going to do something, then actually have it happen... what a wonderful concept. Just apparently one that does not exist in my world, have to give him credit though....his story was sad. Made me want to hold him to make his past pain go away and make him feel like a king, instead I end up the pawn tossed off the board and onto the floor. I at least owe him a thank you for ending my attempt at stepping back into "love" again. I am so glad, that even though it touched my heart and it all spun thru my head, it never left my lips or I would have been a bigger joke than I already am. I have never felt that strongly for someone so quickly in all of my life. I thought maybe it was passion, but how could it have been passion when it was such a short time frame full of such stories. I was kept away from the place where he lived, those he lived with, even kept away from his dog, only taken to a bar where people knew him. They all said he was a good guy as far as I could tell. He even told me he saw in my eyes that he could have gotten me to do damned near everything. I lied and said no that wasn't true. Glad I lied, at least I kept that and the words "love", "passion" and "trust" off of the table and kept myself guarded. I don't know, maybe part of me knew what was going to happen or how this was all going to end...quickly and with me being the butt end of the joke once again. All I know is once again I pull the same sad song up and have a quiet lonely cry and move on...given just one more reason not to trust anyone or ever deeply care for another person....to keep it simply physical and on my own fucking terms. I knew I was in trouble when I was breaking my own rules I have held for over 12 years. I guess the funniest thing thru all of this is, if he would have been nice? The things and ways I would have said thank you in...would boggle his mind. Now here he thought what we had talked about openly was wild, he was told I enjoyed pain but now how much and I only shared two ways I liked it. Funny how he didn't stick it out long enough for me to be comfortable to truly tell him the things I keep deep inside...oh well his loss I guess. Maybe the one upside to all of this...if there is one...
Wasted Time by The Eagles
Well baby, there you stand With your little head, down in your hand Oh, my god, you can't believe it's happening again Your baby's gone, and you're all alone And it looks like the end.
And you're back out on the street. And you're tryin' to remember. How will you start it over? You don't know what became. You don't care much for a stranger's touch, But you can't hold your man.
You never thought you'd be alone this far Down the line And I know what's been on your mind You're afraid it's all been wasted time
The autumn leaves have got you thinking About the first time that you fell You didn't love the boy too much, no, no You just loved the boy to well, farewell So you live from day to day, and you dream About tomorrow, oh. And the hours go by like minutes And the shadows come to stay So you take a little something to make them go away And I could have done so many things, baby If I could only stop my mind from wonderin' what I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time
Ooh, another love has come and gone Ooh, and the years keep rushing on I remember what you told me before you went out on your own: sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone. So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn t really wasted time Mm,hm Oh hoo, ooh, ohh, Ooh,ooh, mm
It seems I have met someone who feels to me as if we have known each for a lifetime. The familiarity is a bit scary, yet residing under the fear is an overwhelming sense of apprehension per se. We have only known each other for literally a few days, yet we clicked as if we have known each others mind set. In some points of the conversations we have had, it is odd to hear that he can truly see my mindset at times where most people I meet cant see past my face, let alone my heart. Usually it is me that can see for days in their eyes and read their past few years there as if written in a book.Still, within this bizarre comfort is an underlying fear..... as if, if I give in to the comfortable feeling...how deeply will it cut me if things do not work out. My mind wanders to things like maybe I should just run, or try to keep it strictly sexual but for some reason none of those comments "feels" right for this situation.
I know everyone no matter what they say comes with a bit of baggage from their past. I feel sometimes as if I come with a whole lifetime supply of luggage. He and I talked a bit more extensively this evening and it seems oddly enough that we are both having the same thoughts. Why is this so comfortable? Why does it feel as if we are old friends reuniting? Apparently we are both a bit fearful of a mix between our past experiences haunting us, and the fear of the unknown as well as the concern of how well we meshed together. What started out as a simple conversation, that I believe I pushed into a one-night stand is almost too comfortable if that is the correct phrase. My thought is simply "is there enough of my heart left after all I have done and been thru to offer to another human being? Will it be enough if it is given? Or will it be stomped, crushed and handed back in pieces which has been the outcome the last few attempts on my part". Obviously neither of us will know until and if we decide to progress further into knowing each other and see where that goes, if at all. Who knows what tomorrow can bring, definitely not I..... This song is a favorite of mine and suits this situation almost to a T. if you ever get a chance to listen to it, it is a beautiful song and I simply love it.
Song lyrics to Remember The Tinman by Tracey Chapman:
There are locks on the doors And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside There's a gate and a fence And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside Who stole your heart left you with a space That no one and nothing can fill Who stole your heart who took it away Knowing that without it you can't live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole Left you a hollow body Skin and bone What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart The smile from your face The innocence the light from your eyes Who stole your heart or did you give it away And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole Left you a hollow body Skin and bone What robber what thief Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone Now you have no trust in no one
Who stole your heart Did you know but forget the method and moment in time Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart Bruised it in a place That no one and nothing can heal You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone But still you have no trust in no one
If you can tear down the walls Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the Tinman Found he had what he thought he lacked Remember the Tinman Go find your heart and take it back
Who stole your heart Maybe no one can say One day you will find it I pray
If you would like to hear the song, this is a link to one of you tubes videos containing her song...simply beautiful!
Alone in darkness for an eternity The oppressiveness is suffocating Now begins the time for light to rise The darkness fades to a dense fog A hand reaches out thru the blackness Dare I reach and touch One I cannot see? Is this a beginning or an end.......
Well, hello again my lonely blog. I feel as if I abandon you so frequently of late it is shameful. However, when my mind is blank as my life had been for quite awhile....it seems to be difficult for me to find things to share here. I did have a fun nite the other evening though, got invited to a good sized bike party last weekend. I didn't get there until late...of course....so I could not find my friend that had asked me to go. ANYway I brought another male friend who was already half lit (we are nothing but strictly friends, couldn't turn me on with a light switch!) and he spent most of the evening trying to desperately drag me into the pit of pity he was in at the time. I on the other hand just sat back and watched the pretty parade of male flesh walk back and forth...and the more my friend bitched...the more I drank. Needless to say I was well lit by the time i got the urge to prowl. Now being that it was simply a beautiful night, and there were bikes everywhere yet they were beginning to break down, I began to look for a chew toy as it were. My hiatus needed to be at an end and I simply wanted to find someone to chew up and spit out nicely put...LOL I did find a young one who blathered pretty words but the simple underscore of his speech was similar to my own goal for the evening so I sent my friend off with my jeep and decided to stay. As I sat there waiting on one almost 15 yrs my junior I watched him and listened to his comments. I heard a few less than appreciative comments about my age and a few other things leading me to realize that even though this was a perfect chew toy to do and forget, I desired something more to my own style.
Sitting there bored trying to figure out how to dash away and call my son to come get me since my jeep was already gone, I notice someone noticing me. He wasnt bad to look at and had a bit of a sparkle in his eyes similar to my own. I could see a bit of freak there...THANK GAWD! He came over and we spoke for a bit, him starting the conversation with a simple "smile...". Sad to say I think that was all it took, well that and the fact that he caught me off guard and wrapped his fist in my hair and pulled nice and hard and I went limp like a kitten not to mention at that point I think I could have slid off of my bar stool...damned vinyl. Well, that evening I broke more than my own rules of bringing someone home to my place for the first time. For over 12 years I have kept that promise to myself and for some reason, this person had changed my mind on my own firm rules. Back to my happy thoughts, I did have a wickedly good time, and may have found one who is similar to myself in many ways...I am crossing my fingers. The first time I am always told or promised the world only to find out once again they get to play with a "freak" and walk away with another tick mark on their belt. So, I am taking this slowly. It sounds hard but I learned the difficult way that if I do not hope, I am not disappointed when things turn out badly. If I don't get excited about new things, it dosent hurt as bad when they walk away as if I were nothing. For now, I am simply going to bask in the fact my hiatus is over and it was with a fun and imaginative male and days after parts of me are still sore and my legs still do not want to work correctly...YEAH ME! I feel back to myself, and know that if this fades that it is okay (although I wish it wouldn't) and can survive no matter what as I have for years, alone but alive. Because of my past, my future is about safety not only for my flesh and mind but my heart must stay guarded at all times as well. Hard lessons some of us learn in life tend to follow us into our futures and makes us wary of newcomers no matter how tasty they tend to appear, it is like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop... Although...it would be nice to have my legs work less frequently and enjoy a few rides here and there, as well as enjoy giving and receiving rides...LOL Being the strange and twisted one that I am, a few bruises, bite marks and cuts paired with a few welts? Well hell, add that to wobbly legs and sore parts? That is pure heaven to me!!! Dare I hope? Or shall I go back to the battle of finding another one?
My Dearest Blog, I do apologize for leaving you to collect dust as I was desperately trying to crawl out of one of the darkest holes I have ever encountered. I had always been able to hold fast to a hope of a promise made to me years back. It was from someone whom I had called a friend among other things. We had made an agreement that once my child was grown there would have been a place at his side and by his feet for me once I was done playing "Mother". My child is now in college and that promise was basically cast aside as he has settled for someone he found by the wayside. I hold no malice nor anger as I will always know how well we fit together, how our first kiss seemed as if we had known each other for ages, not to mention how well we fit together like puzzle pieces. I am aware I challenged Him... I do not think he would have enjoyed it any other way. I am a bit of a S.A.M. and he was quite the Sadist so we fit almost perfectly, but alas no more. Even though he had resumed simply talking with me as a friend and parent, helping me with advice and the like his new one was aggravated and demanded he stop the conversation. So, I guess I was sacrificed and forgotten so she could be happy. So sad as I had never thought he would be one to hand his whip to another to keep in her purse, but alas I cannot make other peoples choices for them. To some, promises are simply nicely spoken words and only that. I apparently should have done the same. Now I sit quietly in the dark awaiting one who can both teach and tolerate, someone who can embrace me and enjoy me as I may be able to do the same. Such a fool was I to think a Mans' word meant anything, or that honor is anything to anyone anymore. Silly me, silly silly girl. I guess now I am back to trying to find someone who can handle all of what I am, and be able to teach me to be more than just myself in the process. Please accept my apology my poor ignored Blog. I shall promise to try and fulfill each and every promise I make to thee and I shall not make a single empty promise or speak shallow words, I will simply be myself and pray that is enough.