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"No brake should be applied to passion ; when the appetites speak, they must be heard."
Marquis DeSade
littlewicked March 13th 1967 (Age 42) Female Nebraska
I am a 41 year old female, of average appearance I believe. I have a pretty open mind about most things and try to do my best to constantly further my knowledge about everything I can, including myself.
I find myself alone at this point in my life raising a son by myself, but believe it is better this way for him and when he is 18, my life will begin again. I do date rarely but my romantic life does not cross with my son's life, which means my boy will never meet the "boyfriends on parade" when they come about.
I prefer the kink side when it comes to my romantic life, I do not enjoy vanilla life as it were. I was married for 11 years, it did not end nicely but needed to end. Now I have learned to adore life in the simplest ways. I love the tactile sensations involved in kink, the discussion of options and knowing I have pleased the One I wish to be with.
I have had a few men in my life but only 2 really ring true in my heart. One was my first true love but lost track of later in life. The other I still speak to once in awhile and still find Him to be the most erotic and delicious Man I have ever met. Physically we were not together long, but in that time I learned more about myself that I ever had in life and I owe that all to Him. I learned that beauty is not in our eyes as women when we look upon ourselves in a mirror, it is reflected in the eyes of those who look upon us and express their pleasure. He probably does not even know I hold Him in such high regard but that is okay as He has His own life now. I can honestly thank Him for realizing what true love really is.
I hope to find more to do in my life and enjoy many normal things like riding on the back of a Harley wrapped around the strong back of a man clad in leather, going on a nice weekend Poker Run, the wind rushing thru my hair, playing a good game of pool or darts with a few good friends, and hitting the river boating in the heat with a few beers and buddies. I guess I am more of a tomboy, but do like to dress up once in awhile if given the chance. I have been called a strong woman before, but if truth be told i prefer to sit at the feet of a Dominant Man, to me there is no better place in the world. To feel his fingers in my hair as i lay my head on his thigh, it makes my world perfect.
All in all, I think I try to better myself at any chance, and further my knowledge on myself and life. I am more spiritual than religious and try to help others when I can. I figure if I can do well in this life and leave a good memory in others hearts I have done okay.
The true woman hidden deep inside of me that i allow so few see
"... remember Machiavelli, according to whom it were better to be impetuous than circumspect, because Nature is a woman to be mastered only by Him who goes to her whip in hand."
~ Marquis De Sade~
This is the woman that protects the submissive one within against society's judgement
"Lust's passion will be served ; it demands, it militates, it tyrranizes, it must therefore be appeased, and to its satisfaction all other conditions are totally irrelevant."
~Marquis De Sade~
"Certain souls seem hard because they are capable of strong feelings, and they sometimes go to rather extreme lengths; their apparent unconcern and cruelty are but ways, known only to themselves, of feeling more strongly than others."
~MDS~
"I have supported my deviations with reasons; I did not stop at mere doubt; I have vanquished, I have uprooted, I have destroyed everything in my heart that might have interfered with my pleasure."
~MDS~
Well it's another friday night and once again I am scraping for things to do. The bar no longer seems to be fun anymore, it consists of stupid come-ons and ego contests. I always get bothered by guys I don't care for and then they are surprised when I say something mean just to get them to get the hint of me not being interested. I may be my own worst enemy lately but such is life I guess. I am okay with the fact of being alone, eventhough it sucks, I have been trying to learn more....anything really to keep my mind busy. A good friend of mine kept telling me I should write a blog on here and now I have, or should I say now I stare at empty entries trying to figure out something to say.
I don't really care about dating anymore, lets just say I am hard to please. I only seem to attract young guys or drunks who don't even remember names let alone faces and that isn't really worth it. That means I go with them, fuck or whatever they like to call it, they say they had a great time but I am not happy with it and just smile trying to figure out how to get the hell outta there!! It's always a bonus when they pass out and stay out, that way you can just dart out the door with what clothes you can find and run for the hills. I used to love having those "quickies" but now they don't even do it for me. I don't understand what I am looking for so for now I am just trying to figure out me.
I have looked back on my life and my odd couplings and have come to realize that most of the relationships ended the same and I always felt the fool. It was always if I didn't have money, I wasn't dating...and if I did...well then my dates became really expensive, for me anyway. I started to think that maybe it wasn't all those guys, maybe it was me?? I mean seriously, maybe all the issues lie somewhere inside of me, like something programmed to self destruct when a relationship got to a certain level. The queen of Doom and Gloom some friends used to call me, I wonder if they are right? Hopefully if I delve deeply enough into my own psyche I can find something substantial within to alter my own thoughts about myself. Please do not get me wrong, I don't want to die or kill myself, I'm too lazy to do that and honestly most people do their own little "attempts" for attention where I truly wish to be more invisible than normal for awhile anyway. It fits this constant feeling like I am trapped within myself, but can't find my way out. I realize I sound like a loon but I am just another person on this planet who has yet to find their way, but would love to find that knowledge that would make all I believe finally make some sense.
Hopefully one day this will all come about to where I can understand this, or my life but one thing I know for sure is that I am not the only person out there that feels like this. Maybe this self exploration is a step I have to take to further my knowledge about myself and my life? The again maybe it's a big game of yahtzee and I just suck at throwing dice??? Who knows...I sure don't.
