Inner Heartfelt Desires

   I guess my earliest recollections of wanting to be a submissive would be as a child. I have always enjoyed the old stories of King Arthur, his ladies in waiting, Pirate stories and such. I liked these stories so much because the women were always frail, meek, very feminine and bound by their position or their heart to serve the Men in their lives with respect, and in turn they were loved and respected as well. My fantasies have always been about being taken, sexually... be it that I were a damsel in distress and up came a Pirate to steal me away, use my body as he saw fit and then come to love me. Other dreams were that I were a type of serving wench in a large castle, being summoned to my Masters chambers where I was to pleasure Him with my body no matter what his request was to be. I was taught how to properly pleasure my Masters, in strict direction where if I were to fail, I would be punished physically, be it a spanking, a lashing or caning. My days were directed by what my Masters wishes were, and in turn I could release all weight from my shoulders and only have to concentrate on pleasing Him in any way shape or form he may request of me. I would find my pleasure at his whips length, then later in his bed as he rewarded me for taking my "lickings" so well. I have also fantasized about being some of the characters in the Marquis De Sade's writings. Not all of his characters were brutally abused; some were deliciously pushed to their own limits where they would scream for release at the seductive touch of the Marquis.

     Since this time, from about age 9 or 10, I have written stories in my head playing them out in my mind, and using these visuals to aid in some of the most intensive orgasms I have ever had, coupled or not. I began to look into these things, trying to find out more about the D/s and bondage aspects, reading whatever I could get my hands on since even reading about these things makes me hot and wet. I envision myself calling my Master things such as My Lord, Sir, Master and other pet names of past times. All of my fantasies Masters have always been a bit physically stern, but would have hands so skilled they could bring me to orgasm with a few flicks of their fingers if they so chose.

   As I began to get older and enjoy sex as all young adults do, vanilla sex did not do it for me, never has. If a Man didn't at least pin my hands, or we wrestled a bit for control, and I get the feeling of being "bested" and at their mercy, I find it extremely difficult to come to orgasm without doing it myself. After a few times of being "taken" with the same person, I come to stop fighting and begin opening up, enjoying the planning of making them smile. If we were to live together, I could be happy even from silly things like making their lunches and placing a silly note inside, always knowing how and what they want...and reveling in the smile they give me when I have done it correctly or I have pleased them. I seem to live for that acknowledgement once I feel "taken" or "owned". It is only in these rare moments in my life that I have been truly happy.

   I by no means, mean to imply that I wish to be sitting on my fanny as my Master works day and night to keep me. I also have to contribute to the earnings, as I feel useless without my own funds, but to be able to give over the responsibility and just hand over that money for my part of the bills and whatever else is needed I can not imagine. I have always been forced to be the one who took charge of things, fixed things, handled things, got things, made arrangements for late bills yet with no return from the other one as in a thank you or anything. I have always wondered what it would be like to be able to hand over not only my financial matters (or be trained better with them), but to also hand over my body to my Master, and purr in his grasp as He plays my body like an instrument. To let the only worries to run thru my head  be what color my negligee should be to please my Master, and is my skin properly scented for his tastes, is his bathwater not too warm for Him, will the sheets be soft enough for Him.

   I have always felt empty without a Man in my life that could direct and control me as it were, for if He wished to have me, then maybe He wished to teach me how to better myself for His pleasure and my benefit. I in turn would learn to be a bit more feminine, softer spoken, and feel pride in these changes as they were for Him. You see at times my fear turns to humor, so when I am nervous I tend to have a dry and sarcastic wit . That is how I deal with my whole life as I haven't much of family anywhere to speak of and trust even fewer people. I wish to find the one Man who could teach me to be comfortable and know that I am safe in His world and that He desires me to be with Him. I wish to find the one Man that I could show the real me, and He would not cower, be bothered or think me odd, yet see me as a challenge and see me as the one He wished to be with, so that when we went out I could feel His pride in having me, and I would in turn be proud to be His.

   I wish to kneel before Him and see the pride in His eyes as he looks down upon me. I wish to be able to see and hear the pleasure I give Him, and know He cares for, and even better, craves for only me. In turn I would give over my body, mind and soul unto His hands. His expertise would show me such wonders as I have only dreamed of, taking me to heights of ecstasy I had only thought were fantasy. To have a Man with the want and knowledge to peruse my flesh, binding me and commanding when and if I am to cum, as well as how often or how intense. To be able to relinquish all fears in my head and just let go would be a dream come true for me.

   I have had a few situations of servitude and there were feelings I had experienced such as being fed, to kneel before my Master and suck His cock so good that I can hear His soft moans as He holds his hands in my hair, guiding me...that could never be matched with any vanilla options. Or the anticipation of what is to come as I lay there bound spread eagle, naked, and blindfolded as my Master does as He sees fit with my body bringing me to heights of pleasure, making me beg Him not to stop...there is just nothing that can compare to those feelings for me.

  This is the main thing I strive for and hope to be mine one day if I should ever meet Him. I cannot just take any Man and place Him in this position, for some do not fit. There must be a sort of chemistry between U/us, I must respect Him and know Him well for I would be laying my life within His hands which is something I do not do often. If not I will forever wish for Him and live without since the vanilla life is not for me.