The flesh is willing, the mind is weak.

Feelings delicious, outlook is bleak.

Do you sacrifice sanity for a moment of joy?

Place yourself in their hands, just become the cheap toy.

Now your world rolls past, yet you're not part of theirs.

Your heart is entangled, theirs is always elsewhere.

You soon realize things are as they are.

You were never important, you were never their star.

So now you concede to a life led alone,

Plant your feet firm you are now on your own,

You know not to ask for they really dont care,

You were nothing but flesh that was simply laid bare.

You were taken and tossed just as before,

You were broken and bruised and thrown away sore.

Just walk away now and hang your head low,

Now maybe next time you might see and know.

   Well into this glorious New Year, I have decided it is time for a new "me" to emerge. I have seriously got to get my head on straight and stop being this passive whiner, I am honestly getting on my own nerves. I have come to understand myself a bit better and now want to find "me" again. I am not sure what happened to the "wild child" inside,  or where the girl that could find fun in anything has been hiding but am now on a hunt to bring them both forefront and welcome them back into "ME" with open arms. Time for another piece of the back tattoo to be added as this is another milestone in my own little reality.

   I wish the weather was warmer right now because I could really use a run weekend to let my hair down and run around topless or as close to as possible. As soon as the snow melts, I have decided to look up my good ole friend Cuz and take him up on his offer to take the chopped out Triumph off of his hands. It is a delicious frame, nice and low perfect for a short shit like me. I will have my own bike, finally!!! I intend to run those tires bare with a smile parusing every back road and enjoying each view with the newfound eyes of a hungry child once again.

   The Wicked Bitch is coming back, enjoying life and enjoying those who would wish to place their flesh witin my grasp. I look forward to loving every little scream, gasp and moan that is uttered from my own lips or theirs for that matter, tasting the salt from the sweat as it is licked from a nipple, biting a thigh and nuzzling those delicious tidbits of Man's body that may happen to graze my lips as I inhale that glorious musky scent of two bodies covered in a shining glaze of endurance and want. To be part of such a tasty situation and gift someone with moans that can erupt from the back of a throat, tearing the hungry screams from deep within as each back arches in its own turn to a crescendo of thrashing  and quivering bodies, quelling into fluttering eyes and lips licked for moisture that is no longer there, throats too dry to swallow yet always turning to one another with that beautiful dazed smile of relief and enjoyment.

   Wouldn't you want to play that game and reap the benefits???? Ladies and Getlemen, the Bitch is BACK, blades and all. It is once again my time to feed and enjoy life as it should be. Wanna play?

   I have been a very good, well sorta good girl this year and decided to send this Christmas wishlist to you in hopes maybe I could get what I want for Christmas this year.  You see Santa, I have done the "wait" thing for Mr. Right and have been set up on more than enough blind dates to help me find the "right man", yet it all ends up the same.  Whether I find them, or friends find them they do not last, it's like they expire or something. Not to mention when the packaging says they have all these "abilities" like being able to put me in my place, or enjoying needle play as much as I do, or just simply able to flog me harsh enough to make me beg for mercy they tend to fall short. These are a few of my favorite things and I miss them greatly!!!

   Recently I had a relationship that did not quite work out where I was not what they wanted, once again someone wanted June Cleaver and I am more of a mix between Elvira, a vampire, and a burlesque lover with a huge fettish of leather. I tend to be to extreme for most and I know I can be difficult at times. All I am asking here Santa is please find me a Man who can tolerate my attitude and if he doesn't like it let him be strong enough to teach me how to change it instead of saying "Fuck It!!!" and quitting on me. I wish for him to enjoy giving pain as much as I enjoy getting it. If he were a biker as well with a bit of either thick or long hair, and ejoy tattoos those would be huge bonuses!! He needs to be able to enjoy being spoiled, because when my man comes home and wants his shower I enjoy doing things like getting in with him and washing him, it's one of the easier ways to get shower sex!

   I guess the only other thing I would wish for in this Man is that he take a minute to understand that I am not perfect but am willing to be taught or trained to serve well. I am a "hungry" little kitten and truly just wish to be fed and flogged and fucked to be happy!!! Oh!! Almost forgot, please let him have a bit of morals, a good work ethic, and maybe a soft tail I can polish for him???? I just want a nice big strong man to sweep me off of my feet, tie me up and flog the crap outta me then thrash my body until I no longer know my name. Is this too much to ask??

                                                   Love & Kisses,

                                                           Littlewicked

p.s. Oh!!! Also forgot, He does not need to come with many accessories as I have a nice big cabinet full of lovely toys that have been collecting dust for so long it's almost sad. Everything from leather cuffs to buggy whip!!! 

   Well lets see here, as it sits now friends have been few but good, good friends have been sparse and any new friends are 'nill for now. I have been taking a bit of inventory with myself trying to figure out where do I go from here. I hope sometime in the future I can be a bit more "together" and trust myself more but for now I know my opinions of many men are jaded from what all I have been dealt thus far and I still hold firm to my statement of "never dating anyone ever again". I still cry over what was lost, in the past and believe it or not recently as well. I definately feel quite addle-brained and second guess myself at every corner. Being so close to the holidays all I can do is try to hold it all together for the kid and seriously sedate the mind and numb the heart. I still have very many "scars" that need healing and do not wish to explain them all or even one of them to someone who would never understand how they happened to begin with yet alone understand how many are actually self-inflicted.

   I am truly surprised at how many men think women are supposed to be all together especially if they have children. I personally seem to know that once we have kids we become spread a bit more thin on the side of sanity and now our stress levels are 10X's the amount of children in the mix. The more we have to take care of, the less time we take with ourselves and the less time we have to think of what all we need to acomplish in the next day, week, year....lifetime.

  I believe we are the heart and backbone of what should be a very good pair, but when we don't have a mate we are now only heart and strength for everyone but ourselves. We are caretakers, lovers, accountants, housewives, maids, cooks, mental mistresses and many other things when the need arises. We are in truth chameleons to become whatever we need to be to make the others in our lives happy, but when do we devote time to ourselves and figure out what makes us happy???

I am a very avid fan of a band called Blue October and have loved every album i have listened to. Off of the album called Foiled there is this great song called "Hate Me", it fits my last situation quite well as i am sure it may fit someone elses as well...you tell me. Enjoy....

Hate Me

i have to block out thoughts of you
so i don't lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed

dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that i'm alone
playing movies in my head
that make a porno feel like home

there's a burning in my pride
a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all i want for you
will you never call again

and will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
and will you never try to reach me it is i that wanted space

hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn't do for you

hate me in ways
yea ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

i'm sober now for three whole months
it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i wont touch again

in my sick way i want to thank you
for holding my head up late at night
while i was busy waging wars on myself
you were trying to stop the fight

you never doubted my warped opinions
on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself
when it was way to hard to take

so i'll drive so fucking far away
that i never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart
to leave me behind

hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn't do for you

hate me in ways
yea ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man
until i saw your blue eyes cry and i held your face in my hand

and then i fell down yelling make it go away
just make her smile come back and shine just like it use to be
and then she whispered how can you do this to me

hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn't do for you

hate me in ways
yea ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you for you for you for you...

   This poem is dedicated to the one man who truly managed to destroy me better than anyone in my whole entire life. Bravo! I do hope "you" enjoyed the tears and blood you caused, you worked so hard for it all. I have finally come to terms that "he" does not know what a man's word means, and will not be honoring any of his promises to make any of the damages he did here in my home "right". He has taken things that were not his and also left me in unimaginable debt. As a single mother this is unforgivable and I have only one thing to say to all of that. Kharma is a bitch S. and I do hope you know how to run from it.

   I have begun to heal and will learn from all of this and only pray that no one ever has to go thru the type of pain he dealt me. I am being strong and will continue with my life, my friends have done so much for me just by coming by and talking with me or calling. To all of those I left by the wayside because of S. I do apologize and beg for your forgiveness, you have my promise that will never happen again. This poem is a reflection of how far I fell before I realized he didn't care at all and I had to stand up and let hm go for good, there was too much drama and pain. I pray no one ever feels this low, if you do? Please know you can always pull up your boot straps and move on. Bottom line here is any man like this is a "feeder" and a "taker" and will not last long in this life living like that, just step away before they implode.

Not Enough

Not good enough to keep

Not smart enough to see

Not wise enough to know

Not interesting enough to speak

Not pretty enough to show

Not good enough to train

Not skinny enough to be attractive

Not soft enough skin to touch

Not cute enough to hold

Not nice enough to love

Simply just "not enough"

   I have had so many people tell me to "find my happy place" and to this day all i can think of is sitting by the ocean at night in the dark listening to the tide come in. My other place that even comes close is that i am on the border of Nebraska and Iowa (i live in Nebraska thank you!) and the river is the next best thing for me. Usually takes quite a few beers to actually jump out of a boat in the summer and into this river as i know alot of what all floats in it, mainly what we like to call "river pickles". Just a hint? They are NOT pickles!!! But hey, guys suck 'cuz you all just whizz off the side and laugh at us. With all of my friends? I am usually the only girl and about 5 guys (we all went to school together) and if you think for one moment those yacks are gonna find a beach cuz the "pussy" has to pee...try again...lmao

   Was surfing thru pictures the other day and found this and thought "wow". Haven't seen anything quite like this since i lived in Florida but you have to admit, it is somthing to look at!!!

You told me you don't love me
Over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crash into dust
I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets
Hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by

So no, of course, we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night
Wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

This entry has been edited for obvious reasons, at least to me. The person and relationship in question turned out to be a great big joke on me. Yippie, he got to play with "the freak". It was a life lesson to say the least, a very long drawn out expensive life lesson I will not soon forget. I would like to be the cold hearted strong bitch and say things like "May he rot", but of course anyone that truly knows me knows I cannot do that. He walked away so easily and quickly without any feeling I am still trying to understand WTF happened, but I guess it dosen't really matter does it? He got what he wanted and I was just left.... I do not like the fact I am haunted by memories, scents of him, things I cannot seem to let go of him in my heart, oh if only he would only show me the way to be so easily removed. Me on the other hand? Lets just say it hurts my heart to even breathe, I break into tears at the oddest times and feel as if someone has crushed my very soul....but hey....shit happens right? I guess I will never know what it is like to trust or love anyone ever again. I am too old for this shit and am frankly tired of being the neat "carnival ride" for these straight people who claim to know me. I am done.  This blog is now my project to keep my mind ripe and get back to the beginnings of it. My writings, my words and my life....only from here on out it will be alone...and I am okay with that. I fell too deep, deeper than I ever have fallen into someone, someone who did not actually care about me and became lost from myself. I loved so purely, so completely and trusted undoubtedly and became a joke in every fashion of the word to this person, I would have rather he cut my throat, watched me bleed out and be done with it... It feels as if there is not much left....of me.

.

The days are long in this world of mine,

A combination of hope, waiting, and need.

I seem to have created my own private hell.

Complete with a one way street of wants and desires,

A cellar for all of my needs to be neatly locked away.

Once again I seemed to have played a bad hand,

Lost what was important to me and suffer the consequences.

Service in silence is my own damnation,

Hand picked by me, all self inflicted, be silent child.

I seem to be my own worst enemy of late,

I give every bit of my being to those that do not return.

Hush the mouth, medicate the mind, be a good little girl,

Maybe one day, in the next hand I play, there may be an ace.